Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You're a waste of cheezeits
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
