Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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