Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
