Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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