You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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