You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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