so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
