Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just want nice things and good sex
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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