my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you told grandpa to call you daddy
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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