Define "chronic" masturbator.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
