I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
