Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
