Me too!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
