so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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