I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
