there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
