im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
