dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
