I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I can't turn off my feet"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Send help, water and tortillas.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
