So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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