so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
