You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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