did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
