my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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