dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
