There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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