Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
