I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
