how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
