He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize