bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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