am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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