Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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