Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
