Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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