So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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