I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
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