oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize