I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
