Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
