So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
