The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
