i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
