she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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