I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
