Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
