ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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