it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
