i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
