Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
