Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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