Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
