i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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