If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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