Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
