i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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